July through the beginning of September was wildly challenging for me. I had my extremely fun and profitable side business ripped out from underneath me which then in turn trickled into my full time job being a complete and utter disaster due to those similar circumstances out of my control and I felt so overwhelmed by all parenting and household duties. I was frantically off loading as much as I possibly could off load but a lot of the day to day tasks still fell in my court. To say I was more anxious and more depressed than I have ever been was an understatement. I was trapped. My body and mind were in a constant fight and freeze status and I could barely make it through the day. I used all of my tools, but the existential dread that existed while getting up each day made living extremely hard. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating and I couldn’t look forward to anything. I was broken.

Waking up each day felt like the worst version of groundhog day. Groundhog day included waking up with a stomachache and headache each day, having the same horrible conversations over and over and over and over again at work, not wanting to eat any food because nothing was appealing, resorting to just drinking protein shakes because that was all I could physically muster up the appetite for, calling my friends and family constantly crying and wondering if and when I would ever get back to where I was in life before this enormous hanging black cloud was literally every single day for weeks on end. Wow, that was a loaded run on sentence if I ever read/wrote one. I was frozen in this victim mentality and became immobilized. It took all of my strength and force to get up each day and simply breathe. Just to simply exist.

I knew I had to figure out a way to break this horrible stretch that I was in. The issue with anxiety (in my case anyway) when I get this bad, I know what to do most times but I just can’t do it. So, I pushed myself as hard as I could. When I say pushed myself as hard as I could, I mean it. I started reading each day. I ordered The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins and 5-4-3-2-1’d my ass out of bed every morning. Literally, that is what I would say to myself, “5-4-3-2-1, GO KORRINN! Get your fucking ass out of bed and go walk.” I would walk early in the morning each day at sunrise for a half an hour. I needed to get out into the fresh air and I would listen to my morning meditation from my Calm app. Doing this for a few weeks started giving me the clarity I needed to see straight and put myself first again. I went back to the gym after my long hiatus. My anxiety was still really high but I was breathing through it and trying to move through the discomfort rather than being derailed by it. My therapist noticed the difference right away and the people I hold close to me did too. Most importantly, I noticed the difference. I felt the difference.

I went 18 straight days without an anxiety attack. 18 whole glorious days. When it did finally happen that following evening, it was short lived. It did however come on quick and in the middle of the night which tend to be some of the worst attacks for me. Since I have a system in place with my therapist, anything over a 7 on a scale of 10, I just have to sit with it and stick it out. This is one of my hardest challenges in my life. When your heart is racing out of your chest, you’re constantly gagging and throwing up, you are shaking uncontrollably and whatever else your body decides to throw at you, you are being told to breath and feel all the feelings. It sounds crazy, I know. Since anyone in their right mind would want all of that to end quickly, you do what you can to get it over with, but with all of the work that I have been doing over the last few months, that doesn’t cut it. Wishing it away and trying to make the anxiety leave your body quicker doesn’t work long term. The attacks will come back more often and more intense until you just manage what is going on in your body and feel your way through it.

What I learned through this process over the last month is that no emotions are fixed. All will eventually fade or change. They come and go. Even when you are in the thick of it like I was for those two horrible months, your mind tells you that this is what will stay or last forever, however, YOU actually control that. You have to figure out how to get in front of it before the anxiety piece takes over. You are the owner of your own mind. Here is to day 14 (and counting) of no anxiety attacks. Happy World Mental Health Day (a day late), everyone!