I decided to write this blog for all of my soon to be mommy friends. In a few months, I have coworkers and other friends that will be first time mommies. They will continue to take classes about breastfeeding, infant cpr, and basically how not to kill your newborn in 10 easy steps. What they won’t be focused on is what happens after childbirth. For me, I figured once the baby was out I had to keep it alive and I would be golden. And while that being said was true, I knew nothing of the shitshow that I was forced to deal with regarding myself and my body.

The Nile River…
…of blood. Since you couldn’t see all of the blood you lost while you were actively pushing your beloved watermelon out of your hoo-ha, you will make up for it for up to 6 weeks later. Sometimes even longer! Sadly, they don’t make pads the size of the Nile but if you combine three of them that should do the trick until you go to move (or sneeze) and then you need to change your supplies again. Fun, right?

When Jack dies in the movie Titanic..
And what does Jack dying have anything to do with postpartum? Only the direct correlation of how much you sobbed as his body gets swept away passed an iceberg to how much you will cry during postpartum. It will be over random things like the first and last piece of toast as you wonder why it doesn’t look like all of the others in the loaf. Or when your baby smiles for the first time because it is THAT overwhelming your heart just burst open and now you are ugly crying, everywhere.

Your first shadoobie…
Whoever you want to give credit to for coining the phrase in context, Chelsea Handler or the Stones; your first shadoobie is potentially greater pain than delivering a baby. Between the anticipation it’s going to hurt like a sonofabitch and it actually hurting like a sonofabitch, you’re simply screwed either way you look at it. Because IT HURTS! And oh, the hemorrhoids! Not everyone is so lucky to get hemorrhoids. If you are part of the lucky bunch, make sure to use all of the witch hazel in the world. Take all that you can from the hospital. Seriously, all.of.the.witch.hazel.

You will hate your husband…
Maybe hate is too strong of a word. Loathe perhaps? You basically just sit most days and think about the pregnancy process, the birthing process, the nursing process, and the keeping your newborn baby alive process while he is working. Sure, sure someone needs to make money so you can live but it just doesn’t seem right to be doing so much on your own. The baby grew inside of YOU for 9 months, YOU nourish them morning, noon, and night and basically YOU do most of the work. You are instantly awoken by a twitch, a sound, a breath, and some nights inconsolable cries which he is literally sleeping through. That always did amaze me. You know, they didn’t change the saying from “I slept like a baby” to “I slept like a husband” for nothing. Be prepared for that. I used to kick him in the back in the middle of the night and pretend he just woke up on his own. Yup, it’s fucked up but I was fine with it.

High end hospital fashion…
Two words for you: mesh underwear. I am not sure if I am the only person who did this but I took more from the hospital to wear when I got home. I had a deep obsession for those amazing things. They were not only comfy but you just pitched them when you were done with them. No laundry required. As another tip, grab an extra perineal bottle. There is something to be said for squirting your lady parts with that incredible small plastic bottle filled with lukewarm water after the torture that is labor.

Your sense of style can best be described as…
NAKED. Yes, naked. If not fully naked than pretty much close to it. You are constantly being spit up on, shit on, peed on and will have some form of mucus on you at all times. AND THE LAUNDRY?! Dear lord, it is like you gave birth to 18 children with all of the laundry you now do. Embrace your stretch marks, your stitches or scars and just get a towel. Life was much easier for me when I did that. And for the record, visitors may or may not be creeped out. Depending on who you invite over.

You lose handfuls of hair…
Don’t worry, you won’t end up looking like a hairless cat. Although it is frightening when you roll your fingers through your gorgeous greasy locks (because who the fuck has time for a shower) to see it fall out in clumps. Like giant tumbleweeds drifting away with the wind. Don’t worry, they will just sit in the corner until you clean. Which you won’t do because you won’t have time. Just pretend you live in the wild wild west, that’s what I did.

You will still look pregnant…
I recently ran into my ex-husband who came over to say hi and after a few pleasantries asked if I was still pregnant. Yes, that did happen. Was I still pregnant?! Hey asshole, I’m not and she is three months old but thanks for taking an interest, you clown. Instead of flinging insults to his face (because I am an adult), I shall do it in a blog he will never read (mature, I know). As I stared at his ridiculously unmanicured and gray beard, I looked down at my body and smiled. I actually showered, had makeup on and looked fantastic. It was one of those days you WANT to run in to an ex. I work full-time, I own a home, I have a four year old and a young infant. If I get to the gym twice a week those are weeks to be celebrated. Unless you are Beyonce and have endless money to spend on trainers and chefs, you won’t bounce back overnight. And that is okay! You take care of that baby and eat your extra calories while nursing and get your ass to the gym when you are good and ready. Or get the stomach flu like I did and lose 10 pounds overnight. Whatever works.

Find your tribe…
Adopt any and all mom friends. (Dad friends count too). They are your saving grace, always. Whether it is comparing stories, commiserating, playdates, winedates, whatever! Find them and when you do, love them hard. They will always know how to make you feel better.

Well new mommies; now that I scared the ever living shit out of you…welcome to the best and most kick ass group out there!