So long, 2017

img_3765.jpgNormally I try not to make New Year’s resolutions because they are a waste of time. I always break them, no matter what. Whether it is a friendly bet with my friend or something actually at stake with my husband; I never follow through. However, this year I am trying something new.

Do I want to eat healthier in the New Year? Yes. Do I want to exercise more in the New Year? Yes. Do I want to be less stressed in the New Year? Do I want to swear less in the New Year? No, who the fuck wants to do that?! You get my point with these resolutions. So why is it so damn hard then to keep these resolutions if and when you make them?

For me, I set unrealistic expectations for myself. The only way these resolutions work is by changing your behavior and essentially rewiring your brain. Instead of trying to accomplish all of those goals above, I am choosing one. Only one goal, in hopes that the rest will also fall into place.

I am dedicating 2018 to me. Yes, you read that correctly. Dedicating it to me; the whole damn year. My hope is that not only will I benefit from it but my kids, husband, family, and friends benefit too. So you must be dying to know how I am dedicating 2018 to myself. Out of everything that I need to work on, I need to work on my inner self the most. I have decided to find my presence, settle my mind, and connect with my heart in the New Year.

First up is 30 days of meditation to kickstart my year of calm. For all of those who know me, meditation doesn’t come easy for me, for many reasons. For starters, my brain and mind are constantly on. Always. Like on all the damn time with no hope of shutting off. Even when I am sleeping I will wake up in the middle of the night and need to write stuff down on the notepad on my nightstand or on my phone. Then I will be up for over four hours because why? Right, that mind not wanting to shut off thing. To silence my mind is the hardest thing I have ever done. And to be honest, I have yet to do it for more than a few minutes. I truly suck at it. Basically my mind is like a million browsers open on a computer. Constantly cycling, updating, and always on. It sucks, big time.

The other reason why I find meditation hard is because I tend to think of all of the things I “should” be doing while I am meditating. I “should” be cooking, cleaning, going to the gym, dropping the library books off, taking a shower, switching the laundry and so on and so on. Meditation doesn’t count as a priority so it is something I easily forget about or skip altogether. So from now on, meditation will now be in the “should” pile in 2018.

Meditation also takes patience. Now, I have a lot of patience for children and the elderly. Everyone in between, not so much. Same goes for meditation. I have no patience while I’m doing it. When all of the thoughts that come in my head during meditation, I then start to focus on how terrible I am at meditating because I can’t shut my thoughts off. Instead of doing what I should be doing and giving myself a break and trying to refocus, I quit. Instead of devoting my time to practicing, I quit. I should really listen to my yoga instructor more when she says that you can’t fail at meditating. There is no right or wrong way to do it and I will create my own way in 2018.

One of the things I chose to do a few months ago was write. This is how this blog came about that you are all so happily reading. For me, it is calming and so helpful to get my thoughts out on paper. This will continue to be part of my meditation and mindfulness practice in the New Year. Being in the moment with my thoughts while I frantically type or write them down is something that soothes my soul and really helps my anxiety. When you see me on my phone I’m not just scrolling through Facebook or buying shit off of Amazon. (Well, maybe Amazon was a stretch.) No, but really. I spend a lot of time jotting down notes and ideas for blogs or random quotes because it is a destresser for me.

I have a lot of work ahead of me in the New Year. Who knows, maybe by doing this 30 day challenge I will be more calm, more patient, sleep better, reduce my anxiety and be more present. That is my goal. Trying to live moment by moment because you never know how many moments you will have left.

On that note, for my last blog of 2017, I will leave you with this: “There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.” –Buddha

Thanks big guy! So, 2018…. I’m coming for you! Namaste bitches!

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