My mind…

Today was one of those days where my mind was everywhere. I have some significant transitions happening at work and I’m trying to coordinate all of the chaos. Not only is my mind everywhere, I physically am everywhere. This morning started out with an appointment for me then I zipped off to drop Cam at school and then ran downstairs to go to work. I had meeting after meeting and was running around while I was eating lunch or snacks on the go. Then, I grabbed Camryn from school and threw her (gently, obviously) in the car to then get Harper from school. Once I had the other clown, I dashed her off to basketball practice to then rush home for dinner, baths and bedtime. I am a glorified fucking ping pong ball. Now, I understand that millions of mommies, daddies, caretakers do this every single day but holy shit, it is exhausting! Like truly exhausting. I hear it only gets worse and she isn’t even playing a sport. How the hell can this nightmare actually get any worse?!

I used to pride myself on being super early for everything. That, and being able to remember everything. Now, I have no idea what day of the week it is let alone which month we are in and I feel like I’m failing at everything. Forget my memory. I am lucky if I remember where I park my car each day at work and I park it in the same damn spot every single day. I dont know how many times I stare at my staff while they ask me a question and I say, “hang on, give me a minute. My brain is slowly leaking out of my head.” To which they typically respond, “we know you have a lot going on.” Totally agree, I do have a lot going on but when did this happen and how did I let it get like this?

Well, the answer is, it just kind of happens. I have two kids, I work full-time, I have two consulting side jobs that range up to 15-20 hours a week depending on the time of year and in the summer I teach swimming lessons 3x a week at my house for another 10 hours a week. I am not the greatest at math but I’m pretty sure that my equation above just equals I work a shit ton. That doesn’t include the driving and the cooking and the cleaning and being the maid and all the other duties I have. One day I woke up and poof, my amazing little organized world had turned into a spiraling shit storm of semi-controlled chaos. And the spiraling shit storm of semi-controlled chaos is on a good day. Most days it is the exact opposite, which drives my ocd and need for perfectionism to grow which then kicks up my anxiety.

My friend Jen and I made a pact that we were going out to dinner with one another once a month. I loved the idea! She had an even better idea that we would schedule the next months outing while we were sitting together so we could lock it in. Brilliant! Friend date night for April was amazing and we went ahead and scheduled the next one for May. May roles around and I get a text from Jen saying she is so excited to hang out. I did that thing where I looked down at my phone a few times and then checked my calendar to see who was right. Sure enough, she was right. Sure enough, it was in my calendar. Sure enough, I blatantly forgot.

I felt awful. After apologizing a million times, we decided we would skip it and pick it up again in June. Fast forward to our June date and the same damn thing happens! Can you believe it?! I am still angry with myself. Jen texts me to confirm our plans and I completely forgot. Not only did I forget, it was mysteriously not in my calendar. I have NEVER been like this. EVER.

I just feel like this is the evolution of motherhood. Take kids here, pick kids up, shovel some healthy(ish) meal down their throats, entertain their small bodies for some amount of time, commence bedtime routine that seems to take a billion hours only to hit repeat the next day. Repeat, but a different repeat depending on the day of the week. Calendar or not, it is almost impossible. So, it is no wonder why I forget everything now.

I have no magical cure how to wrap your head around being organized again and not being so frazzled because if I did; shit, I would have done it and then sold my secrets and become a millionaire. I just take some days minute by minute because that is all I can do. Some days I am okay with taking that approach and other days I get super irritated that this is just how it is now.

Hey Jen, let’s shoot for a June date or maybe July since the month is almost over….

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