At first I started to type how I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in such a long time. Then I laughed and said of course I haven’t. The fucking world is ending. Well, it’s not but it sure as hell feels like it is. We are homeschooling our children which feels like an epic disaster on most days. I am making breakfast, lunch and dinner every single day and it seems like that is all I do. I am worried sick about my sister, my mom, my dad and all of my other friends and family who are essential personnel. I miss how my life used to be. We all do.
One thing that I realized through all of this is how much I miss music. I have always loved music. My dad has an incredible voice, sang in a choir and always sang when we were kids. I definitely take after him in that regard. I can memorize harmonies and lyrics typically after hearing them only one or two times. I was in little plays and musicals and my high school chorus. Music has always been a big part of my life.
Like most things in my life after having kids, you simply stop them or forget about them. All we listen to in the car on the way to school is Moana or some other kickass Disney princess. When Harper is in the car we try to listen to better choices of music but depending on Camryn’s mood and my inability to listen to any more screamfests, I give in to the womb gremlin and turn on Moana for the 828,492 time.
My anxiety and perhaps depression at this point is pretty high. Sadly, it has been manifesting in sheer anger and hatred for all the bad things that are happening right now. I try so hard to think about the things I am grateful for but my thoughts are so foggy and clouded with all of the chaos. And when I say foggy and cloudy, I don’t know about you but my brain is just mush and I feel like I am overall operating between 10-40% of a human. I have found that all of my breathing techniques don’t help and the other tools that I used to do at night (like color or read) I can’t do since I have to make up from all “lost” time I couldn’t get my work done during the day because you know, homeschooling and dealing with an insane fucking toddler psycho. Love you, Cam!
Last week while I was cooking dinner, (it actually could have been yesterday, I mean let’s be honest), Scott asked if I wanted some music on. I stared at him like he asked me a really hard question. I don’t know if it was my new covid foggy brain or if I suddenly realized someone was asking me what I actually wanted for once. I still didn’t answer and he said, “well, I’m going to go ahead and put on 80’s pop dance on pandora for you.” Pat Benatar’s ‘Love is a Battlefield’ came on and I honestly forgot what I was doing, but in a good way. I forgot about how much I really didn’t want to make dinner. I forgot about how anxious I was about everything that is happening outside my house. I forgot about how our worlds were turned upside down in a matter of minutes and how it will likely remain that way for quite some time. Even if it was for a couple of songs, in that moment, that is what my brain and body needed.
Since the world has basically stopped and reminded all of us to slow down, maybe we can all be reminded of the things that once made us happy. For me, during this chaos it is listening to music I chose and that I want to listen to. It helps me drown out all of my worries, even if it is just for the duration of the song.
I get it though, it is hard to be inspired when everything seems like a fucking dumpster fire and we just keep spraying it with more gasoline. If you don’t have the energy to go outside, then don’t. If you don’t have the energy to get dressed into real clothes, then don’t. I wouldn’t recommend doing these sorts of things every day because you will certainly end down the rabbit hole of despair. There is no right way to feel right now and that’s ok too.
Be well everyone!