What originally started as a joke that I should sign up for a swim meet to get matching mommy/daughter records in the 200 butterfly and the 400 IM has turned out being a blessing in disguise. Anxiety has taken a lot away from me over the last seven years but more specifically over the last two years. It truly took almost all joy out of my life.

When I was asked on my 40th birthday to name five things that I wanted to do over the next year, I really had a hard time answering the question. I started thinking and couldn’t come up with anything. I am chuckling as I am writing this because I remember legitimately not being able to come up with any answers. Nothing came to mind. I was so numb that I couldn’t say outloud what I wanted to do over the next year. Surely I could dig deep to think of something. Anything? Sadly, the answer was no, I couldn’t. I remember giving 2-3 generic answers just so the conversation wasn’t too awkward. I said I wanted to craft more, get more in shape and spend more quality time with my family and friends. Those answers are absolutely acceptable, but for me, not where I was mentally. This was truly where I was at that moment and it was sad.

I said spending more quality time with family and friends but I didn’t really want to be there when I actually did get out. Sure, I’d look like I was having fun and don’t get me wrong, some of the time I would be, but most times I was counting down the minutes to go home so I didn’t have an epic anxiety attack in front of people. This was almost everywhere. The grocery store, getting my hair done, a friends birthday party, a swim meet. Literally, EVERYWHERE. I didn’t want to be there no matter what it was or how fun it was supposed to be all because of my brain and how trapped I was inside of it.

I stopped swimming competively after high school. I swam every now and again but truly stopped it all together after I had Camryn. When I was trying to get back in shape after I had her, I attempted swimming again. Swimming is like riding a bike. The muscle memory will always be there. Whether or not you are still fast is a different story. However, for me, I was looking for a workout. I got in, started swimming freestyle, did my first flip turn off the wall and when I pushed off I had the most intense dizziness. So much so, I swam directly into a lane line. I remember being instantly frightened and then also wondering, what in the actual fuck?? How did I just swim into a damn lane line?! I teach people how to swim for Christ’s sake but yet I swim into a lane line!!! So, I tried to brush it off but I couldn’t. The rest of the way down the pool, I could barely remain straight. I got to the wall and I rested for a few minutes. Tried it again and the same thing happened. This time it was worse. It took a few minutes for me to regain focus. I was in shock. Why was this happening? I tried to swim a few times thereafter and this vertigo weirdness ensued. This weirdness continued for almost 7 years, on and off in some way, shape or form. Little did I know at the time it was one of the MANY physical symptoms of my anxiety harboring in my body.

I’ve written before about how hard it was for me to workout and have my heart rate increase and get higher. My anxiety would kick in, tell me it wasn’t safe and I would have to make a choice. Stop and give in or push through and tell my anxiety to take a hike. Well, for those almost 7 years the majority of the time, anxiety won. If I ever attempted to keep score for all these years, it would probably look something like: Anxiety:727392727 Korrinn:2628. I tried, boy did I try to fight it. So in this case, my anxiety took over and told me I was done with swimming laps. Forever.

A passion of mine that was so deep was stripped away from me. One summer I even had to stop giving swim lessons because my anxiety was so bad. I was literally scared of the water. The one thing for years that would always be calming for me, was no longer that. That’s the thing about anxiety. It strips it away from you. Almost all of it. Well, I guess I should say it buries it. Anxiety buries it so deep reminding you of that one time or a few times that this “thing” happened. Anxiety tries to protect you but if you let it get out of hand, it actually cripples you. I was crippled with it.

I have been doing so much work this past year to help myself get back to a place I once was. My healing journey has been hard but so worth it. It has been 9 months since my last anxiety attack. And that attack was a small baby one that I don’t want to count it but I will. 9 whole months! I decided that I was going to push myself and do more things that I wanted to do for me. So….

Three weeks ago I signed up for a Master’s swim meet. I signed up for four events. Two being two of the harder events in swimming, the 2fly and 4IM. I wanted those records and instantly realized that I bit off more than I could chew. I got in the pool and like an absolute crazy person I decided to see how far I could swim fly. No warmup, no nothing. I was able to swim four lengths of fly. Ok, so I was halfway to my goal. Then the next day I tried to see where I could get in my IM. I was able to do only half of that. So again, halfway to my goal. Not so bad? Right?

The first week of my training I would swim for thirty minutes. That was all I could do. I would fight off the random dizziness spells that happened the first day. I would tell my anxiety that I was safe, I can do hard things and to basically fuck off. I kept coming back to the pool every single day. For those three weeks of training (which definitely should have been more than that to truly get me ready, but I am a crazy person), I swam every day and took one rest day. I became stronger, I became faster (not by much but slightly) and I was proud of myself. Harper started to make my workouts for me every day and she was pushing me. She had such faith in her mom and all along I was blind to see it in myself. Every day when I would come home from the pool she asked me how I did, how each set was, where did I struggle and where did I feel good? On the weekends she would come evaluate my strokes and give me pointers. Her swim bestie wanted to join in the fun and they would talk on the phone or during a playdate and make my workouts together. On the days where I wanted to throw in the towel, Camryn said, “Hey, Mom. What do you tell us all the time? To do your best and believe in yourself.” So, I listened to my kids. I had this little team rooting for me and it felt good.

I kept at it and the dizziness was gone. My anxiety and intrusive thoughts about dying while in the pool were fading. I was swimming for an hour a day and sometimes even longer and doing up to 2,500yds. I became stronger physically and so did my mind. I swam the full 400IM on week two during one of my sessions. My time was trash but I didn’t care. I did it, I finished it, and I was ready to tackle the next big obstacle.

The 2fly posed such a problem for me mentally. I didn’t think I was ready even though my 10 year old coach told me I was. I’ve only done it with flippers or had completed it in broken formats over the last few weeks. My mind kept telling me if I tried it, something bad would happen eventhough fly is my stroke of choice. I know, I know. Butterfly, yes, is my stroke of choice. So, I did what any crazy old geriatric swimmer would do in this case. I skipped warmup that next practice and just busted out a 2fly. I did it. I fucking did it. I stood at the end of my lane for a minute, smiled, cried and pulled out my phone and texted two friends and my sister to tell them all while catching my breath. I would have texted Harper’s gizmo but it was 6:15 in the morning. I have never been more proud and felt like I conquered the world. I didn’t look up at my time, hell I didn’t even look at the pace clock before I took off. I just had a goal and I conquered it.

Well, today is race day and although I signed up for the hardest events to medal in or get the record in, I am truly just excited to finish the race with my family and friends cheering me on in the stands. I have put in the work and in hindsight, I wish I knew about this race sooner so I could have trained a little more. But, here we are.

I have worked so hard to become this version of myself. I wouldn’t be here without any of the past versions and my anxiety that has come along with it. It is important to find the people who support you to be what you want to be, who push you to be your very best. I am so lucky that my support team is truly incredible.

I am grateful for my anxiety and how I’ve reframed our relationship this past year. Water has always been and will always be my happy place.