I haven’t had an anxiety attack in about two months. I haven’t really celebrated, truly in fear of evoking one, naturally.
I had almost forgotten what they feel like, until this evening. Until literally right now while I write this.
The overall fear that consumes you is unreal. All I want to do right this very moment is sleep. My body is so tired and I want to shut off my brain or at least push the pause button. Sadly, no, not this evening.
I left my bedroom and came to the living room where I started rushing around trying to find any medium to help me not be so consumed with my thoughts. I grabbed my mermaid coloring book and colored pencils and the pencils were far too dull. That is not going to work. I grabbed Harper’s massive coloring briefcase and found a marker that was thick and useless to me. I then grabbed my phone and started to blog. I haven’t written in quite some time so why not do it now. Well, that is not the total truth. I have written but I just haven’t published. I am working on a few at the moment.
So this right now is raw and real and maybe with one or two typos because of my current state. Perfectionism is not a key at the moment, survival is though.
So what triggered this bastard? A couple of things I think. I have told quite a few people how I haven’t had a panic attack in a bit. So, the karma gods decided to say, well now, let’s change that. I am also so tired. I have had some really horrible dreams the last few nights and have woken up with headaches I think from the lack of sleep. All this insanity is cyclical.
You know what is hard to do when you are feverishly typing away your thoughts? Checking your pulse. Yes, who knew it was hard to check your pulse and continue to type at the same time?! I am trying to skip doing it constantly because it is annoying but also it is slowing me down. However, this is what I do. That is what I do to see where I am at. Is it high? How high? Then the panic ensues.
I am starting to get sleepy now which tends to happen after these because my body gets so worked up. Hoping I can sleep the rest of this off and we dont have a second edition…